3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
