Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I don't deserve a penis
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
