Sry I called you an 8
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
