seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
