Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
