Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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