I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
