Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
