It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
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We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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