i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
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What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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