I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
