Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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