The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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