"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
