ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
