i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
