singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
