So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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