saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
