I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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