Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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