I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
