he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
