Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
