I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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