I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
