o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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