Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
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