and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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