party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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