Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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