There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
