I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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