I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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