Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
