Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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