Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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