Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
