sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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