FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
