seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
