I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
