I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
