Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
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She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
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When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I am mentally ready for anal.
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