for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I AM VODKA MAN
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
