but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
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True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
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I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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