so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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