Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
