Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
