just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
