my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
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