Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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