I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
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