Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I wish my penis had an off switch
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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