Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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