I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
