I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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