hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
