I puked a lego.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
