The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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