TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Why are your pants in the freezer?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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