I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
