what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize