hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
