it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
