Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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