ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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