Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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